This morning I woke up, cleaned the house a bit. I guess cleaning and clearing physical spaces always has some sort of philosophical clearance effect on me. After all the fogginess and dullness of the last 1-2 months, I’m now sitting on my contemplation corner and reaching some clarity. Remembering my breath, remembering myself… Feeling clarity… Sort of… Not all the way… More to come! Maybe… Maybe not… What I know is now, this is the experience of my moment…

It hasn’t been easy, the last one month, the chaos… I was sort of disabled. I was doing things to be done, and sleeping the rest of the time. Very little human interaction… Funny that I pick the “Hermit” card today from Jodorowsky’s tarot cards. There has been always that hermit in me since I was a child. Yea winters are always a bit hermit like anyways. With the pandemic now even more maybe… I don’t know how much I honoured my hermit side so far… Comes and goes. Ahh this need of human interaction and closeness… I feel a strong urge for being close with beloved ones. But immediately, it feels overwhelming… So I take my time and space…  

A whole Christmas and festivity time passed, and I kept retreating, it’s okay. I am honouring my need of hibernation. And I repeat, may I accept my situation the way it is…  

Shall I do the cliché of how 2021 was difficult and at the same time very expanding in my spiritual journey : ) I guess I’m already doing it… The thing is I feel closer to who I might become… Every day more… I don’t know if this is about 2021 or the pandemic or what ever… What I experience is constant progress and change… And I guess that’s part of the chaos anyways. I’m now sitting here on my cushion and reflecting back, and I feel a strong urge to accept it. Accept what ever the experience is, the way it is.

Funny how difficult it could be to rest in the moment sometimes. I definitely have this feeling when I meditate every morning, those moments of clarity… I feel like the work is expanding this spaciousness into the everyday life. It was interesting for me to also experience how mindfulness coaching is an amazing work for me. Each time I’m holding a session for someone else it feels like a little representation of everyday life, I have to be so present through the session in order to create safety for the client, and that requires me to constantly remember my breath and remember my body. Each moment I hear their words, my body has a response to it… But then I remember that it’s not about me, it’s not my story, and I’m here for them… Those are the moments that I can rest in… 

Acceptance… Feels like it’s a big word… 

We read it everywhere since the new age spirituality became mainstream, it’s presented as if it’s a very easy thing to do… Hah! You sit for one meditation and you accept everything! Yeayy! I, on the other hand can only talk about my urge to accept. I know for sure, I have glimpse of these easy moments occur with acceptance and letting go… But I prefer to accept the fact that acceptance comes and goes as well… And I guess I end my words here and I rather hear your experiences about acceptance… 

Chaos

I’ve been feeling sad the last days, may be the winter energy hitting me and my system. I have a problem with the dark and the cold. Though there is something in it that attracts me as well. The dark and the cold… I’ve been neglecting my sadness, I’ve been trying to focus on my daily things to be done and not holding space for my sadness. This morning I woke up and finally I could not neglect it any more, I would have gone into a mild winter depression or hold space for my sadness and transform it into something else.

When ever I feel disconnected from myself and my emotions, usually 5 rhythms is my medicine, so I just started playing Gabrielle Roth’s play list for my morning dance. Yea! That was the moment my body was surrendering and letting myself into my sadness… The moment of chaos… When I was dancing into the chaos, my body was shivering, I was feeling goosebumps, and I was surrendering to the chaos… My body was moving in chaos, in the unknown, I was fearing of the unknown, then I realised how little space I have in my life for chaos. I constantly try to organise, structure, plan and try to have an understanding about my next steps in life… Yet I acknowledge the fact that it’s only possible to an extend…

Chaos… I was dancing in chaos and surrendering to the feeling of unknown and I was getting in touch with my sadness. I’m sad for no reason… I’m only sad because of my spoilt existential issues. I surrender… I surrender to the chaos and create space for it in my system. It’s okay to be sad, I have space for sadness. And I see that it’s not for no reason. There is climate change, people are killing each other, there is forced migration, animals are being tortured as well so there is actually a lot of pain and sadness on earth. My sadness is not for no reason. But hey, the only thing I can do is holding space for this sadness… Acknowledging and working on solutions from that self-care point of view. 

Transformation… It’s not about sitting at home and being sad… It’s about transforming that feeling into action. And that differs from person to person. We are all part of a huge organism, what ever one does influences the other one’s wellbeing. And I can only be responsible for my own actions. When I’m not dealing with my own emotions, thoughts, feelings and impulses which means in my understanding being present for the self; it’s hard to be present for our surrounding. Yet all emotions are involved in this game… Sadness is welcome as well as happiness; it’s not something we should ignore and constantly seek for happiness. It’s just a matter of holding space for wide range of emotions and transforming them. I think every action we get into is political, our stance in life, the way we do things and so on… So let’s get political and let’s get in action!

Since that day I started writing my insights, few days passed and now I can feel how my sadness has been transforming and letting it’s place for other experiences to emerge… I’m once again acknowledging how important it is to hold space for any kind of emotion doesn’t matter dark or bright… I’m curious to hear your experiences with chaos towards the end of another year and how you deal with it…

“It’s okay!”
whispering…
that it’s okay
that was what she wanted to hear
for so long…
“okay!”
dancing with purple
dissolving the pain
and she is not alone
all okay
with or without…
“okay!’
dancing with purple
the door to open to self…
and it’s okay!

December 2019, Berlin