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heyecan

excitement
 

what am I excited for, 
my existence?
why that ascent inside me…
tearing up, for what?
is it writing what makes me excited,
or words?
why that whizzing bird in me
me, myself,
the one that always in existential pain
what now?
getting excited for my existence…
giving in?
why that excitement…
beware!
you might again cry tomorrow, 
for your existence
and cling even more,
on your ego… 
while speaking of
letting go!
 


heyecanım neyedir, 
varoluşuma mı?
nedendir bu yükseliş içimde…
gözlerimin dolu dolu oluşu niye?
yazmak mı heyecanlandıran,
kelimeler mi?
anlamam nedir bu içimdeki pır pır eden kuş…
hep varoluşsal acı çeken,
ben…
şimdi varoluşumdan heyecan mı duyayım…
ben’i teslim mi edeyim…
nedir yani bu heyecan,
aman dikkat et!
yarın yine ağlarsın 
varoluşuna…
teslim edeyim derken
daha da bağlanırsın
egona…

January 2021, Brandenburg

All okay

“It’s okay!”
whispering…
that it’s okay
that was what she wanted to hear
for so long…
“okay!”
dancing with purple
dissolving the pain
and she is not alone
all okay
with or without…
“okay!’
dancing with purple
the door to open to self…
and it’s okay!

December 2019, Berlin

Moment

moment
by
moment
presence 
you get lost in the depth of your self
goosebumps all over
tears
it’s the moment
of meeting with self
deep inside
moment 
by 
moment
you’re there
you’re yourself
and in ecstasy of being 
resolution… 
resonance of the music,
hand touching your skin
all altered…
moment
by
moment
you’re there
you
and
yourself
resolution… 

February 2020, Berlin

Kentsel Haller

P.S. An anecdote about urban lives which found expression ın me in Turkish language after a gong bath session I attended… Sorry for followers don’t understand Turkish…

Prenzlauer Berg, fiyakalı bir sokak, şık görünümlü butik restoranların masaları kaldırımlara yayılmış. Şıkır şıkır orta yaş üstü güzel insanlar şaraplarını yudumluyor. Haldır huldur sürdüğüm bisikletle önlerinden aceleyle geçiyorum. Saat tam 21.05, “gong bath” seansına beş dakika geç kalmışım, bir umut kapıda bekliyorum hoca içeri alır diye, alıyor. Tek odadan oluşan giriş katında dükkan havasındaki yoga stüdyosu kapının ağzına kadar dolu. Hindistanlı zannettiğim bir hoca var, sonradan gelenlere kapıyı açarken bir yandan da içeridekileri nefeslerine yönlendirmek için “nefes al, nefes ver…” diye tekrarlıyor.

Berlin’in en sıcak yazlarından biriymiş öyle diyor insanlar, vantilatörler çalışıyor 40 kişilik sınıfta. Kentsel spor üyeliği app’imle check in’imi yaptıktan sonra bir mata yerleşiyorum. Sırt üstü uzanıyorum, gonglar çalınmaya başlıyor. Birbiri ardına bam bam bam vuruyor tokmağı, sesler dalga dalga yayılıyor odanın içine. Atmosfer dalgalanıyor, dalga dalga hissediyorum sesin uzaya ve bedenime yayılışını. Kendimi teslim etmem vakit alıyor, bin tane düşünce uçuşuyor kafamda, yargılar, kıskansçlıklar, kendini beğenmişlikler… Çatal kaşık seslerini duyuyorum köşedeki restorandan gelen… İnsanlar mutlu bir şekilde sohbet edip yemeklerini yiyor… Kapının önünden geçen insanların ayak sesleri… Odanın içinde dönen fanların yarattığı rüzgar tenimde soğukluk yaratıyor… Bisiklet maratonumun tenimde yarattığı ter içimi ürpertiyor, bir battaniye olsa iyi olurdu diye düşünüyorum… “Kalkıp yanıbaşımda dönen fanlardan birini kapatsam mı?” Yan mattaki kadının nefesini işitiyorum, burnumun içine yayılan ten kokusu, ağzım kuru, keşke su içebilseydim “bammmmm”… Bam bam bam birbiri ardına vurulan tokmaklar kulağımda çınlıyor… 

Bu Hindistanlı adam Berlin’in göbeğinde ne yapıyor diye düşünüyorum. Berlin, dünyanın dört bir yanından gelen insanların buluşma noktası gibi, müthiş bir enerji yükselmesi yaşanıyor kentte… Kendi göçüm geliyor aklıma, babamın göçü, onun ardından ailece oradan oraya sürüklenişlerimiz ve yeni hayatlar kurma çabalarımız… Sonra dedelerimizin ve nenelerimizin yaptığı kitlesel göçler… Şimdi kendimin yetişkin halimle yaptığım bu göç, sonu olmayan, sonraki durağın belirsiz olduğu… Babam bir keresinde beni yaşam oyununda deplasmanda olarak gördüğünü söylemişti, bir gün bitecek ve geri dönecektim… Oysa ben hiç bilmedim nereye ve ne zaman döneceğimi… Ben bir gün dönsem de o artık bunu göremeyecek ya neyse… Bam bam bammmm… Ses dalga dalga yayılıyor uzaya ve bedenime, resetleniyor bütün düşünceler, sadece o an var artık… Tenimdeki soğukluk, omuzlarıma değen matin hissi, yerçekimi her seferinde biraz daha aşağı çekiyor bedenimi, teslim oluyorum gongun sesine ve yerçekimine. Dalga dalga yayılıyor… Dalga dalga… Dalga… Dal… Da… D…

Seans bitiyor, bir minik paylaşım anı… Ben böyle anlarda hiç konuşmam ki, görünür olmaktan hoşlanmam, hep o arkada oturan cevapları bilse de sessizliğini koruyan kişiyim ben. Bazıları aceleyle matlarını yerine koyup kentin içine akıyor. Ben her zamanki gibi harekete geçmek için kalabalığın azalmasını bekliyorum. Ağır hareketlerle matımı rulo yapıp yerine koyuyorum, kapıda dört beş kişi hocayla sohbet ediyor o sırada. Hoca diğerlerine anlatırken duyuyorum, acı ne kadar fazlaysa gonga o kadar ağır vururmuş, farkındalık ne kadar fazlaysa da gonga o kadar hafif vururmuş… Teşekkur edip, sarılıp çıkıyorum ve ben de diğerleri gibi kentin içine akıyorum bisikletimle.

Restoranlar nispeten boşalmış, sokaklar olabildiğine aydınlık, basıyorum pedala süzülüyorum Berlin sokaklarına, diğerleri gibi… Trafiğin sesi, egzoz kokusu, bir köşede müzik yapan gençler, diğer köşede sarhoş bir evsiz, karnımın açlığı, tenimdeki üşüme hissi ve batan güneşin gökyüzünde yarattığı pembenin türlü türlü tonu…

Yoga-Porn

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Anicca anicca anicca!*

Recently I’ve completed a ten days Vipassana retreat. I’ve been hearing about the concept of impermanence (anicca) since I started yoga; that everything is changing, that everything is arising and passing away… It made sense and this concept has become part of my teaching yoga and my life. Nevertheless with this Vipassana experience, now through this experience I actually know what this concept really means. So the law of impermanence is not something I read in books and hear from my yoga teachers any more – I actually experienced “anicca” (law of impermanence) through observing my body and the changing sensations in my body.

I believe Vipassana meditation technic to be very efficient about letting one learn by experience. First of all, shutting off all interaction and staying in silence for ten days is already a very hard step in such an age where we are exposed to information everywhere. Second of all meditating for twelve hours a day, sleeping less and eating less totally starts to deconstruct the mind, emotions and the body. I believe Gautama Buddha might have been the first neuroscientist of the world. I`m totally amazed by his work on himself and his technic of understanding “the self”. Deconstructing, digging and digging, going deeper and deeper and facing all the self drama… Facing the strong ego…

Everybody would experience it differently due to different backgrounds, but here I`m only speaking about my own experience and my own journey into myself. In the center I did Vipassana in Triebel, there were so many people who have never meditated before, so for some people especially physically it was quiet challenging. It was challenging for me too, but I was glad that I have been doing yoga and meditating for years therefore I could somehow handle the physical difficulty. But still if you sit for 12 hours it’s inevitable to face different types of physical pain. Especially since you have so many hours to observe your body, you might discover habits or states of your body and mind, which are already scientifically proven like electrical current, chemical reactions, vibrations and so on. It’s really amazing to learn this by experience…

Anyway, if I put my experience in a nutshell, I had two amazing breath taking self realisations. The first one was the moment I realised that all problems in my life and all my unhappiness is happening because of me me me me me my my my my my mine mine mine mine mine me me me me me my my my my my… It was such a slap in my face to realize that, because I always try not to be a selfish egoistic person. But I realised that I have a very strong ego like everybody else. Just because of that strong ego I’ve been suffering. For sure my ego was not happy with that finding, it reacted with fear and it was terrified, but than again anicca anicca anicca… Don’t get attached to your feelings! I’m now learning not to get attached to my feelings… It’s not as easy as I’m writing here, but for sure this is the beginning of a new path…

The second slap was the moment I realised that “my person” or “my self” consists of my reactions to things, events and people… What!!! The self I developed is not me! I’m not me! I’m not the person I thought I was! Really! At that moment my whole life was passing through as a story board and I was remembering some random memories, where I reacted to for example my mother or my brother or so on… It was really a shocking experience because it was touching my ego again. The ego I’ve developed strongly is actually not independent from the dynamics around me, so getting attached to who I am is one big reason for suffering in life. Everything arises and passes away, so why we do get attached and suffer for these attachments. Anicca anicca anicca!

If you’re also a seeker of self I strongly recommend Vipassana as a very intense experience. But of course doing one Vipassana would’t change our lives miraculously. So we need to keep doing yoga and keep meditating everyday. Of course this is not the only way to get closer to the self, for me yoga and meditation work very well, ultimately one can try and see what is best for him/herself. But one thing is crucial: that is meditation and body awareness I believe. So what ever practice you’re doing you need to focus on body awareness and silencing or slowing down the mind to get closer to the truth of the self…

Patanjali Yoga Sutra 1.2. “Yogah Chitta Vritti Nirodhah”

Yoga is the restraint of mental modifications…

All my best!

* You can find more information about “anicca” here.

For the ones who haven’t heard anicca before, “cc” in Pali language is pronounced according to IPA (International Phonetic Alphabet) with tʃ, like “ch” in “church”.

 

Seperation

Notes from a rebirthing session…

I fear. It`s cold and vast outside. I cannot handle being alive. I cannot be alive. I don`t belong here. Oh, I fear! I don`t want to open my eyes to the world. I feel so much anger for being alive. I feel so much anger for the badness in the world. Though I thought I loved life, I loved being here. Where are all these feelings coming from? Fear, anger and hatred… I try to be a good person, what is this now? What are all these negative feelings I´m carrying or I´ve been hiding away from… Why do I have this anger? Why do I hate these people around? Oh, I fear! My heart is beating fast, I feel cold, but sweating… Feels like I´m dying… Feels like I´m getting lost in existence. Feels like I´m nothing… I surrender… My breath takes me away… I surrender… I surrender to the wisdom of the body. Oh my heart! My heart is expending… My heart embraces the whole existence. I´m feeling one with my mother. Oh my heart! I am my mother! Oh! I´m all… I´m the whole existence! I´m one with my mother and I´m one with the whole existence, therefore I´m detached… I feel detached, but connected with the whole existence. Understanding, relief, joy and love take place… I understand what pain means… I understand the badness in the world. I understand that we all have pain, I understand that we all suffer… Then I embrace the badness… Then I embrace fear… Then I embrace anger… Then I embrace hatred… I do embrace existence… I do enjoy life… I do love!

This is not a mystical experience… Rebirthing is another self realisation practice that mainly focuses on certain breathing technics. There is enough information in the internet about how breathing technics can change the nervous system, so ones who are seeking for more information can make their own research about it. I could never separate spirituality from rational ideas, because what I understand of spiritual practices is that they awaken the potential in our bodies. I very much perceive yoga, meditation and other body awareness practices as practical solutions for problems of modern life, which sounds very rational to me. I believe this is why yoga is becoming popular and almost mainstream. They did know in the past how to deal with difficulties in life, this is why we are going back to these thousands years old teachings to understand. The brain has a tendency to separate things… Unfortunately the whole system surrounding us has evolved in way of separating things, but everything is actually interconnected. This is why we are doing yoga, this is why we are meditating, this is why we are following self realisation practices, this is why we are doing body awareness practices… As closer we get to ourselves, we get closer to understanding the wholeness and get closer to seeing the big picture.

With this understanding, I wish to share/exchange my experiences with English speaking people living in Berlin. For sure native German speakers are also welcomed, since they are mostly bilingual. I offer hatha yoga in English in Berlin two Sundays per month. Soon I´ll be organising more yoga classes in English and also meditation classes in English in Berlin. You can get more information about the upcoming classes here.

*Thanks to my friend Isabel for the rebirthing session she offered to me…